Signing up for a Beauty session did not give me the results I expected, not at all.
I wouldn’t have imagined that the experience of the photo shoot was even more valuable than the photos themselves. Who knew?!
Text by Cari Frame, Self-Kindness Coach and Writer
Photos by Claudia Tecuceanu, Creative Portrait Photographer
When a dear friend and fellow empowerment entrepreneur Claudia of Claudia T. Photography asked if I’d like to be part of The 23 Project, I said sure.
I expected some professional head and body shots to update my website and social media. As a professional coach and writer, professional photos are mandatory, whether I like it or not. And let me tell you, I don’t really like it. I’ve never been comfortable with self promotion. The only reason I do it is because of my deep commitment to connecting to the good people who feel terrible inside their own minds. For them, and only them, I will put myself out there.
Little did I know, that small “yes” to a Beauty session would send me on a self discovery journey that I’m still feeling the effects of months later.
It all began when Claudia sent me the comprehensive, and initially daunting Beauty session prep guide. It involved a full schedule of the day of the shoot and what I needed to prep beforehand.
Here’s a bit of what was involved:
- Claudia sent me some suggestions of outfits I should bring including helpful details like colour schemes, plain not patterned materials, types of fabric and fit. She even included outfit links from local stores!
- I had to book the whole day off – my pleasure.
- I had to think about what kinds of poses I wanted photographed, with inspiration from a gallery of incredible options to choose from. I could choose clean and corporate, fun and festive, a whole spectrum all the way to spicy boudoir. Oh my! I chose some corporate and some festive.
This is when things started getting real for me.
I looked at the beautiful women in the fashion example photos and I felt my stomach drop with nervousness. Not only did I not have any clothes that flattering, I felt like I wouldn’t look good in any of them. Funky jeans with frayed slashes? No can do, I thought, My lumpy thighs will poke through.
A body suit with cleavage and legs showing? Heck no, that’s only for women 7 sizes smaller than me.
A flattering flowy jumpsuit or dress? Um, maybe but it won’t look good on me, I thought.
And finally there was the recommendation of “power shoes”, any style that makes me feel like a boss and a queen. Shoes for me are utility, they are what you hope no one will look at, they are either pretty torture or ugly comfort. Never power, certainly not queen-making.
I surprised myself (and Claudia) with my wardrobe uncertainty. I am, afterall, a coach known for helping people bring kindness to themselves. Where had my own self-kindness gone? It seems the trigger of fashion choices brought out an inner critic that I’ve had since my teen years.
Back before social media, teen girls used to torture themselves with fashion and pop culture magazines. We would compare ourselves to the ultra-slim and glamorous models, cutting their svelte silhouettes out and covering our bedroom walls with our longing to be like them. I spent every bit of my allowance on Vogue, Elle, Mademoiselle, the stack in my closet was 3 feet high. My teen mind couldn’t see how unfair the comparison was, all I knew was those girls and women had something, and I desperately wanted it, but definitely didn’t even come close.
Since then, over many years of improving my relationship to myself and my body, I have come to love my shape, my curves and muscles.
For the most part.
But ask me to go shopping for pants, and POOF, I’m almost right back to 13, looking in the changeroom mirror and only being able to see everything wrong, and nothing right. It doesn’t help, of course, that pants never seem to be made for my shape. Or even worse, the stores only stock up to size 12, or keep bigger sizes in the back as if it’s shameful to display larger sizes.
When I shared my struggle with Claudia (“I’m not going to look good in any of those, and I probably won’t find my size…”), she very professionally said, “How do you know? Just go and see, you might be surprised.”
So, never a quitter, and my inner kindness knowing she was right, I took my teen daughters with me to the mall. At first, all we found was too tight, way too small, bad fabric and I struggled to stay positive. My girls, teens who are gloriously comfortable with themselves, their bodies and fashion sense, kept me going with their mirthful positivity.
Then we found a cool oversized blazer which I really liked. Finding a bodysuit to go with it wasn’t so hard. A virtual miracle happened when the one size of fashionable torn jeans in the third and last store were my size. Then we were on a roll.
I had always liked the look of slightly platformed combat boots, and I found an amazingly cool pair in Walmart. Putting them on and feeling how solid and powerful they were, the boss and queen-making energy started to flow. Outfits that felt new and yet somehow still me started to come together.
Maybe I can do this Beauty session afterall.
Then came the day of the shoot. Compared to the shopping prep, I felt calm and excited about a day of being pampered and photographed.
It all began with a visit to the home of an amazing hair and makeup artist Bobi Miron. In an incredibly short enjoyable hour, she transformed me from everyday to glamour slay.
She listened to my requests for makeup that was just a little more than my natural look. She used a special primer and contour knowing what works best through a camera lens.
And then I was at the studio with Claudia. The thing about Claudia is that as soon as you feel her joyful excitement about the photo shoot, all nervousness or trepidation vanishes and you are infected with positivity.
The whole Beauty session took 1.5 hours, and it felt like play. We laughed, tried different poses and outfits, and laughed some more. And then came the most unexpected learning of the whole experience –
I didn’t want to NOT smile.
Whenever Claudia asked me to have a relaxed or moderately serious facial expression, I felt really uncomfortable, and I told her so.
“Why do you have to smile in photos?”, she asked me after I broke my serious face with a giggle for the umpteenth time.
I sat with that question for a moment, and then it dawned on me –
“I think it’s because I don’t think I’m attractive unless I’m smiling.”
As I said it, I knew it was true, and totally baffling. How could I have such a limited view of my own face? To be seen as a serious woman, I began to realize, means to be many unattractive things according to the patriarchy. Serious women are not feminine, not alluring, take themselves too seriously, are authoritative and not fun.
On the other hand, there’s a reason men annoyingly ask women to “smile more”, because that makes us appear soft, approachable, agreeable, easygoing, appreciative, all things that make us more palatable to men with limited views on what they want a women to be.
So my discomfort with unsmiling photos of myself was a kind of deep internalized misogyny. I was uncomfortable being anything other than the most soft and appealing-to-men version of myself. Well, holy shoot!
Once I realized this with Claudia, I felt determined to overcome this immediately. I let my face relax, I let myself feel my own power and presence without softening it or making it more socially acceptable. I still erupted into giggles from discomfort several times, but I let the queen within shine through too.
Claudia even inspired the goddess to emerge in some alluring boudoir-esque shots which I am not quite brave enough to show publicly. But I’m so glad I have them to remind myself of what it felt like to be unabashedly myself in all my femininity and power.
So, if you have any challenge in being photographed or sharing your unfiltered authentic self to the world, I cannot recommend strongly enough that you work with Claudia on a Beauty session. The transformation is so much deeper than a selfie could ever be!
To this day, I wear my combat boots and blazers and feel limitless in what I can accomplish.
I allow my face to relax with or without a smile, knowing that sharing my authentic energy is vastly more important than appearing palatable and soft. I am changed, and I have the photos to prove it.
